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=== Round Ubu ===
( a machine translation of 'Ubu roi' by Alfred Jarry, inspired by Michael Samyn's experiments/coments) ))


Ubu
Round Ubu
Jarry
Ubu or Poles
First performed in 1888
First published in 1896



This book is dedicated to
Schwob
Then did Ubu Hosch pear, which was appointed by the English since Shakespeare, and have him under this name many beautiful tragœdies written down.

FIGURES
  * Pere Ubu.
  * Ubu.
  * Captain Border.
  * The King Wenceslas.
  * Queen Rosamond.
  * Boleslaw, Ladislas Buggerlaus: their son.
  * General Lacy.
  * Stanislas Leszczynski.
  * John Sobieski.
  * Nicolas Rensky.
  * The Emperor Alexius.
  * Giron, Pile, Coccyx: Palotina.
  * Conspirators and Soldiers.
  * People.
  * Michel Fédérovitch.
  * Nobles.
  * Magistrates.
  * Consultants.
  * Financial.
  * Minions of Phynances.
  * Peasants.
  * All the Russian Army.
  * All the Polish Army.
  * Guards of Ubu.
  * A Captain.
  * Bear.
  * The Horse Phynances.
  * The brainwash machine.
  * The Crew.
  * Commander.

ACT I. SCENE I

UBU FATHER, MOTHER UBU
	
**FATHER UBU** Shit.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Oh here's some nice, Ubu, "you are a very great rogue.
	
**FATHER UBU** How do you assom'je, Ubu!
	
**MOTHER UBU** This is not me, Ubu, another should be assassinated.
	
**FATHER UBU** By my green candle, I do not understand.
	
**MOTHER UBU** How, Pere Ubu, "you are happy with your lot?
	
**FATHER UBU** By my green candle, shit, ma'am, yes indeed, I'm happy. It would be at least: a captain of dragoons, trusted officer of King Wenceslas, decorated with the Order of the Red Eagle of Poland and former King of Aragon, what would you be better?
	
**MOTHER UBU** What! After the King of Aragon you just carry journals fifty footmen armed with cutting-cabbage, when you could succeed on your flask crown of Poland to that of Aragon?
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Ubu, I do not understand what you say.

**TURD MOTHER** You're so stupid!
	
**FATHER UBU** By my green candle, King Wenceslas is still alive, and even if he dies, he did not have legions of children?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Who is to prevent the massacre of the entire family and put yourself in their place?
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Ubu, you do me wrong and you'll pass earlier in the pan.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Hey poor fellow, if I was going through the pot, which you mend your funds panties?
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh really! and then what? Am I not an ass like the others?
	
**MOTHER UBU** At your place, that ass, I would like to install on a throne. You can increase your wealth indefinitely, eating very often the andouille and carriage ride through the streets.
	
**FATHER UBU** If I were king, I'd build a big hat like the one I had in Aragon and those rascals of Spaniards me shamelessly stolen.
	
**MOTHER UBU** You could also purchase an umbrella and a large cloak that you fall on the heels.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I yield to the temptation. Bugger shit, shit the guy, if ever I meet him at the corner of a wood, he spent a bad quarter of an hour.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah Well, Pere Ubu, you have become a real man.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh no! me, captain of dragoons, kill the King of Poland! rather die!

**MOTHER UBU** (aside). Oh shit! (Top) So you'll stay poor as a rat, Pere Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ventrebleu, by my green candle, I'd rather be poor as a skinny rat and brave than rich and fat like a bad cat.
	
**MOTHER UBU** And the hat? and umbrella? and the great pea coat?
	
**FATHER UBU** Well, after, Ubu? (He leaves, slamming the door.)

**UBU MOTHER** (single). VRoute, shit, it was hard to relax, but VRoute, shit, I think, however, have shaken. Thanks to God and to myself, maybe in a week I'll be queen of Poland.


ACT I, SCENE II
(The scene represents a room of the house where Ubu splendid table is compiled.)

UBU FATHER, 	
**MOTHER UBU** 
	
**MOTHER UBU** Hey our guests are well overdue.
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes, by my green candle. I'm dying of hunger. Ubu, you're very ugly today. Is it because we have the world?
MOTHER UBU (shrugging).
Shit.
FATHER UBU (seizing a roast chicken).
Well, I'm hungry. I'll bite the bird. It's a chicken, I think. It is not bad.
	
**MOTHER UBU** What you doing unhappy? What our guests eat?
	
**FATHER UBU** They still have enough. I will not touch any more. Ubu, go and see the window if our guests arrive.
MOTHER UBU (going there).
I see nothing. Meanwhile, the Ubu steal a round of veal.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah here is Captain Borders and his followers arrive. What do you eat then, Ubu?
	
**FATHER UBU** Nothing a little calf.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah veal! veal! calf! He ate the veal! Help!
	
**FATHER UBU** By my green candle, I'll tear her eyes.
(The door opens.)

[ edit ]ACT I, SCENE III
FATHER UBU UBU MOTHER CAPTAIN EDGE, and his supporters.

	
**MOTHER UBU** Hello, gentlemen, we look forward to. Sit.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Hello, ma'am. But where is the Pere Ubu?
	
**FATHER UBU** Here I am! I am! Damn, by my green candle, but I am big enough.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Hello, Ubu. Sit down, my men. (They all sit down.)
	
**FATHER UBU** Phew, a little more, I sank my chair.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Hey Ubu! we give you good today?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Here's the menu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh this interests me.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Soup Polish rastron ribs, veal, chicken, pie dog, turkey tail, charlotte russe ...
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey That's enough, I suppose. Is there anyone out there still?
UBU MOTHER (continuing).
Bomb, salad, fruit, desserts, boiled artichokes, cauliflower the shit.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey I think you emperor of the East to make such expenditures?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Do not listen, he is stupid.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I will sharpen my teeth against your calves.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Dine rather, Ubu. These are the Polish.
	
**FATHER UBU** Damn, that's bad.
BORDER CAPTAIN
This is not good, indeed.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Tas Arabs, that you need?
FATHER UBU (striking his forehead).
Oh I have an idea. I will come back later. (He goes.)
	
**MOTHER UBU** Gentlemen, we will taste the veal.
BORDER CAPTAIN
It is very good, I finished.
	
**MOTHER UBU** For the puppet now.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Exquisite, exquisite! Vive la Mère Ubu!
ALL
Vive la Mère Ubu!
FATHER UBU (returning).
And soon you'll shout "Vive le Pere Ubu. (He takes a broom unspeakable hand and tossed on the feast.)
	
**MOTHER UBU** Wretch, what are you doing?
	
**FATHER UBU** Taste a little. (Several poisoned taste and fall.)
	
**FATHER UBU** Ubu, pass me the chops rastron that I serve.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Here they are.
	
**FATHER UBU** At the door everyone! Border Captain, I say to you.
OTHER
Hey we have not had dinner!
	
**FATHER UBU** What, you have not dined! At the door, everyone! Stay, Border. (Nobody moves.)
	
**FATHER UBU** You are not parties? By my green candle, I'll knock you out rib rastron. (He begins to throw.)
ALL
Oh Ouch Help! Defend us! woe! I'm dead!
	
**FATHER UBU** Shit, shit, shit. At the door! I do my effect.
ALL
Sauve qui peut! Miserable Ubu! traitor and scoundrel rogue!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah they're off. I breathe, but I have very bad dinner. Come Border. (They go with Ubu.)
[ edit ]ACT I, SCENE IV
FATHER UBU UBU MOTHER CAPTAIN EDGE

	
**FATHER UBU** Well, Captain, have you dined?
BORDER CAPTAIN
Well, sir, except the shit.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey the shit was not bad.
	
**MOTHER UBU** To each his own.
	
**FATHER UBU** Border Captain, I am determined to make you Duke of Lithuania.
BORDER CAPTAIN
How, I thought you were very beggar, Pere Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** In a few days, if you want, I rule in Poland.
BORDER CAPTAIN
You'll kill Wenceslas?
	
**FATHER UBU** He is not stupid, this guy, he guessed.
BORDER CAPTAIN
If it is to kill Wenceslas, I am. I am his mortal enemy and I will answer for my men.
FATHER UBU (throwing herself on him to kiss).
Oh oh I love you very much, Border.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Hey you stink, Ubu. You never do you wash?
	
**FATHER UBU** Rarely.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Never!
	
**FATHER UBU** I'll walk over.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Big shit!
	
**FATHER UBU** Go, Dogpile, I'm done with you. But my green candle, I swear on the Ubu make you Duke of Lithuania.
	
**MOTHER UBU** But ...
	
**FATHER UBU** Hush, my sweet child.
(They leave.)

[ edit ]ACT I, SCENE V
UBU FATHER, MOTHER UBU MESSENGER

	
**FATHER UBU** Sir, what do you want? get out, you tire me.
MESSENGER
Sir, you are called by the king.
(He leaves.)
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh shit, jarnicotonbleu, by my green candle, I discovered, I will be beheaded! alas alas
	
**MOTHER UBU** What soft man! and time presses.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh I have an idea: I would say that the Mother Ubu and Border.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah wholesale PU, if you do that ...
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey I will go immediately.
(He leaves.)
MOTHER UBU (running after him).
Oh Pere Ubu, Pere Ubu, I'll give you sausage.
(She exits.)
FATHER UBU (outside).
Oh shit! thou art a proud, andouille.

[ edit ]ACT I, SCENE VI
The king's palace.

King Wenceslas, surrounded by his officers, EDGE, and the king's son, BOLESLAS, and LADISLAS BOGGLERAS; Then UBU.

FATHER UBU (incoming).
Oh you know, it's not me, it's Ubu and Border.
KING
What is it, Ubu?
BORDER CAPTAIN
He drank too much.
KING
Like me this morning.
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes, I'm drunk because I drank too much wine in France.
KING
Pere Ubu, I want to reward your many services as captain of dragoons, and I will do today Count of Sandomir.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh Mr. Wenceslas, I do not know how to thank you.
KING
Do not thank me, Pere Ubu, and find you tomorrow morning at the grand review.
	
**FATHER UBU** I will, but accept, grace, this little whistle.
(He presented the king with a kazoo.)
KING
What do you want at my age I do with a kazoo? I will give it Buggerlaus.
YOUNG BOGGLERAS
Is he stupid, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** And now, I'll beat it. (He falls, turning.) Oh! ouch Help! By my green candle, I'm broke and punctured the bowel Bouzina!
KING (raising it).
Pere Ubu, "you are you hurt?
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes indeed, and I will surely die. What will Mother Ubu?
KING
We resolved to bring to its maintenance.
	
**FATHER UBU** You are very kind to spare. (He goes.) Yes, but King Wenceslas, you will not be less massacred.

[ edit ]ACT I, SCENE VII
The house of Ubu.

GIRON, BATTERY, COTISE, FATHER UBU UBU MOTHER, conspirators and soldiers CAPTAIN EDGE

	
**FATHER UBU** Hey My good friends, it is time to stop the plan of the conspiracy. Each man should give his opinion. I will first give mine, if I may.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Speak, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Well, my friends, I would just poison the king himself thrusting of arsenic in his lunch. When he wants to graze on it will drop dead, and so I am king.
ALL
Fi, marmoset!
	
**FATHER UBU** What, you do not like it? So what Border advises.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Me, I would file him a great sword that will crack the head to waist.
ALL
Yes Here is noble and valiant.
	
**FATHER UBU** And if he gives you kick? I remember now that he has reviewed the iron shoes are very bad. If I knew I'd get you to denounce me from this dirty business, and I think I would also change.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Oh the traitor, the coward, the ugly, flat pink.
ALL
Ub booed Santa!
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey gentlemen, keep quiet if you want to visit my pockets. Finally I am willing to expose myself to you. Thus, Border, you slay the king loads.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Would not it be better to throw us all at once on him, yelling and screaming? We would thus likely lead the troops.
	
**FATHER UBU** So here. I try to walk over his feet, kicking it, then I tell him: shit, and this signal you will throw at him.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Yes, and when he is dead you'll take his scepter and crown.
BORDER CAPTAIN
And I'll run with my men in pursuit of the royal family.
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes, and I recommend especially the young Buggerlaus.
(They leave.)
FATHER UBU (chasing and being back).
Gentlemen, we have missed a crucial event, he must swear we escrimer valiantly.
BORDER CAPTAIN
And how? We have no priest.
	
**FATHER UBU** The Ubu will take place.
ALL
Well, either.
	
**FATHER UBU** So, you swear to have killed the king?
ALL
Yes, we swear. Long Live Ubu!

[ edit ]ACT II

[ edit ]SCENE
The king's palace.

Wenceslas QUEEN ROSEMONDE, BOLESLAS, AND LADISLAS BOGGLERAS

KING
Buggerlaus Sir, you were very cheeky this morning with Mr. Turd, knight of my order and Count of Sandomir. Therefore I forbid you to appear in my journal.
QUEEN
However, Wenceslas, you would not have too much your whole family to defend yourself.
KING
Madam, I never go back to what I said. You bore me with your nonsense.
YOUNG BOGGLERAS
I submit, sir my father.
QUEEN
Finally, Sir, are you still determined to go to this journal?
KING
Why no, ma'am?
QUEEN
But, again, did not I seen you in a dream of striking his mace and throwing you into the Vistula, and an eagle as the one in the arms of Poland placing the crown on his head ?
KING
Who?
QUEEN
At Pere Ubu.
KING
What madness. Mr Ubu is a very good gentleman, who would take four horses for my service.
THE QUEEN AND BOGGLERAS
What a mistake.
KING
Hush, young monkey. And you, madam, to show you how little I am afraid Mr. Turd, I'll go to the journal as I am, unarmed and without a sword.
QUEEN
Fatal imprudence, I never see you alive.
KING
Come, Ladislas, come, Boleslaw.
Exeunt. The Queen and Buggerlaus go to the window.
THE QUEEN AND BOGGLERAS
May God and the great St. Nicolas keep you.
QUEEN
Buggerlaus, come with me into the chapel to pray for your father and your brothers.

[ edit ]ACT II, SCENE II
The field journals.

POLISH ARMY, THE KING, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS,
	
**FATHER UBU** CAPTAIN AND HIS MEN EDGE, GIRON, BATTERY, COTISE.

KING
Noble Ubu, come near me with your troops continued to inspect.
UBU FATHER to his.
Attention you guys. It is the king, sir, here we go.
The men around the King Ubu.
KING
Ah Here the regiment of horse guards Danzig. They are very beautiful, my faith.
	
**FATHER UBU** You think so? They seem miserable. Watch it. To the soldier. How long did you not cleaned up, disgusting funny?
KING
But this soldier is very clean. What ails you, Ubu?
	
**FATHER UBU** Voila!
He crushes his foot.
KING
Wretch
	
**FATHER UBU** Shit. To me, my men!
BORDER CAPTAIN
Hurrah! Forward!
ALL hit the king, a Palotin explodes.
KING
Oh Help! Lady, I'm dead.
BOLESLAS Ladislaus.
What is that! Dégainons.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I have the crown! For others, now.
MASTERS EDGE
Down with the traitors!
The king's son fled, all continuing.

[ edit ]ACT II, SCENE III
THE QUEEN AND BOGGLERAS

QUEEN
Finally, I began to reassure me.
BOGGLERAS
You have nothing to fear.
A fearful cry was heard outside.
BOGGLERAS
Ah what do I see? My two brothers pursued by Ubu and his men.
QUEEN
O my God! Madonna, they lose, they lose ground!
BOGGLERAS
The whole army follows Ubu. The King is gone. Horror! Help!
QUEEN
That Boleslaw death! He shot.
BOGGLERAS
Eh Ladislaus turns. Defend yourself! Hurrah, Ladislas.
QUEEN
Oh It is surrounded.
BOGGLERAS
It is all over him. Borders has cut in half like a sausage.
QUEEN
Ah Alas Those crazies entering the palace they climb the stairs.
The clamor increased.
THE QUEEN AND BOGGLERAS, kneeling.
My God, defend us.
BOGGLERAS
Oh This Ubu! the villain, the villain, if I wanted ...

[ edit ]ACT II SCENE IV
THE SAME. The door is breached. FATHER UBU and enter the fanatics.

	
**FATHER UBU** Hey Buggerlaus what wouldst thou do?
BOGGLERAS
Why! I will defend my mother to death! The first step is making a death.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh Border, I'm afraid! let me go.
A SOLDIER advance.
Surrender, Buggerlaus!
YOUNG BOGGLERAS
Hey, punk! Here is your account!
He split his skull.
QUEEN
Hold on, Buggerlaus, hold on!
MULTIPLE advance.
Buggerlaus, we promise you live.
BOGGLERAS
Rascals, wine bags, paid slobs!
It's the reel with his sword and made a killing.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh I'm well coming to the end anyway!
BOGGLERAS
Mother, save yourself the secret staircase.
QUEEN
And you, my son, and you?
BOGGLERAS
I follow you.
	
**FATHER UBU** Try to catch the queen. Ah Here the party. As for you, wretch! ...
He goes up Buggerlaus.
BOGGLERAS
Ah egad! this is my revenge!
He unraveled the boudouille a terrible sword.
Mother, I am!
It disappears by the secret staircase.
[ edit ]ACT II, SCENE V
A cave in the mountains.

The young BOGGLERAS enters, followed ROSEMONDE

BOGGLERAS
Here, we shall be safe.
QUEEN
Yes, I think! Buggerlaus, support me!
It falls on the snow.
BOGGLERAS
Ha! what have you, my mother?
QUEEN
I am very ill, believe me, Buggerlaus. I have no more than two hours to live.
BOGGLERAS
What! cold he'd have taken it?
QUEEN
How do you expect me to resist so many blows? The king massacred, destroyed our family, and you, representative of the noblest race that ever wore a sword, forced to run away in the mountains as a smuggler.
BOGGLERAS
And that, good God! by whom? A vulgar Ubu, adventurer out there who knows where, vile scoundrel, vagabond shameful! And when I think my father was decorated and made a count and the day after this ugly is not ashamed to lay hands on him.
QUEEN
O Buggerlaus! When I remember how happy we were before the arrival of Father Ubu! But now, alas! everything is changed!
BOGGLERAS
What do you want? Wait with hope and do not give up our right.
QUEEN
I wish you, my dear child, but for me, I do not see this happy day.
BOGGLERAS
Hey what is it? She turned pale, she falls, help! But I am in a desert! O my God! his heart stopped beating. She's dead! Is this possible? Another victim of Father Ubu! He hides his face in his hands and weeps. O my God! it is sad to see one to fourteen years with a terrible vengeance to continue!
He falls prey to the most violent despair. Meanwhile, the Ames Wenceslaus, Boleslaw, Ladislas, Rosamond enter the cave, their ancestors and meet accompanying the cave. The oldest approaches Buggerlaus and slowly waking.
BOGGLERAS
Hey what do I see? my family, my ancestors ... By what miracle?
SHADOW
Learn, Buggerlaus that I spent my life the Lord Mathias Königsberg, the first king and founder of the house. I give you the care of our vengeance. It gives him a great sword. And the sword that I did give you rest until he has struck dead the usurper.
All disappear, and Buggerlaus left alone in the attitude of Ecstasy.

[ edit ]ACT II, SCENE VI
The king's palace.

FATHER UBU UBU MOTHER CAPTAIN EDGE

	
**FATHER UBU** No, I do not want me! Do you want me to ruin these bouffres?
BORDER CAPTAIN
But, Ubu, do not you see that the people waiting for the gift of joyful advent?
	
**MOTHER UBU** If you do not distribute meat and gold, you will be overthrown within two hours.
	
**FATHER UBU** Meat, yes! gold, no! Tear down three old horses, it is good for such slobs.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Marmoset yourself! Who has built an animal of this kind?
	
**FATHER UBU** Again, I want to get rich, I will not give a penny.
	
**MOTHER UBU** When you have hands all the treasures of Poland.
BORDER CAPTAIN
Yes, I know there is a chapel in the great treasure we will distribute.
	
**FATHER UBU** Miserable, if you do that!
BORDER CAPTAIN
But, Ubu, if you do not do distributions the people will not pay taxes.
	
**FATHER UBU** Is this true?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Yes, yes!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh, then I consent to everything. Gather three million, one hundred and fifty fry beef and sheep, especially as I have too!
Exeunt.
[ edit ]ACT II, SCENE VII
The palace courtyard full of people.

UBU crowned FATHER, MOTHER UBU CAPTAIN EDGE, Minions with meat.

PEOPLE
This is the king! Long live the king! Hurrah!
FATHER UBU throwing gold
Take this for you. It does not amuse me to give you money, but you know, it's Mother Turd wanted. At least promise me not mind paying taxes.
ALL
Yes, yes!
BORDER CAPTAIN
Look, Ma Ubu, they argue that gold. What a battle.
	
**MOTHER UBU** It is true that it is horrible. Ugh! Here's one that has the skull.
	
**FATHER UBU** What beautiful sight! Bring other boxes of gold.
BORDER CAPTAIN
If we were a race.
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes, it's an idea.
To the people.
My friends, you see this box of gold, it contains three hundred thousand nobles with rose gold, Polish currency and sterling. Let those who want to start running at the end of the court. You will leave my handkerchief and waved when the first received will take cash. As for those who will not win, they will as a consolation that fund that they share.
ALL
Yes Long Live Ubu! What good king! We did not see as time Wenceslas.
FATHER UBU at Ubu, with joy.
Listen to them!
All the people will be stored at the end of the court.
	
**FATHER UBU** One, two, three! Are you ready?
ALL
Yes yes
FATHER UBU:
Go!
They go to tumbling. Cries and tumult.
CAPTAIN EDGE:
They are coming! they are approaching!
FATHER UBU:
Hey first is losing ground.
MOTHER UBU:
No, he returns now.
CAPTAIN EDGE:
Oh He loses, he loses! Finished! is another!
Whoever was second comes first.
ALL:
Vive Michel Fédérovitch! Vive Michel Fédérovitch!
MICHEL FEDEROVITCH:
Sir, I really do not know how to thank Your Majesty ...
FATHER UBU:
Oh my dear friend, this is nothing. Punch your car with you, Michael, and you, do you share the other, take each piece until there was more.
ALL:
Vive Michel Fédérovitch! Long Live Ubu!
FATHER UBU:
And you, my friends, come to dinner! I open the doors of the palace today, please do honor to my table!
PEOPLE:
Let's go! Let's go! Long Live Ubu! is the noblest of kings!
They enter the palace. The sound of an orgy that lasts until morning. The curtain falls.
[ edit ]ACT III

[ edit ]SCENE
The palace.

UBU FATHER, 	
**MOTHER UBU** 
FATHER UBU:
By my green candle, here I am king in this country. I'm already flanked indigestion and it will bring me my big hat.
MOTHER UBU:
What is it, Ubu? because we might be kings must be economical.
FATHER UBU:
Madame my female, she is made of sheepskin with a clip and flange-skin dog.
MOTHER UBU:
That is fine, but it is even more beautiful to be kings.
FATHER UBU:
Yes, you were right, Ubu.
MOTHER UBU:
We are very grateful to the Duke of Lithuania.
FATHER UBU:
Who?
MOTHER UBU:
Hey CAPTAIN EDGE.
FATHER UBU:
Pray, Ubu, do not talk about this bouffre. Now that I no longer need him, he can brush his belly, he will point his dukedom.
MOTHER UBU:
You have a great mistake, Ubu, he will turn against you.
FATHER UBU:
Oh I pity them, this little man, I care as much as Buggerlaus.
MOTHER UBU:
Hey think you have done with Buggerlaus?
FATHER UBU:
Saber Finance, of course! What do you make me, this little monkey fourteen years?
MOTHER UBU:
Pere Ubu, pay attention to what I say. Believe me, try to tie you Buggerlaus by your benefits.
FATHER UBU:
More money to give? Ah not, at once! you made me waste a good twenty-two millions.
MOTHER UBU:
Do what your head, Pere Ubu, Thou shalt suffer it.
FATHER UBU:
Well, thou shalt be with me in the pot.
MOTHER UBU:
Listen, again, I'm sure the young Buggerlaus prevail because it has the right for him.
FATHER UBU:
Ah dirt! bad law would it not good? Ah you insult me, Ubu, I'm going to pieces.
The Ubu escapes, pursued by Ubu.

[ edit ]ACT III, SCENE II
The great hall of the palace.

FATHER UBU UBU MOTHER, OFFICERS AND SOLDIERS; GIRON, BATTERY, COTISE, NOBLE CHAINED, FINANCIAL, judges, court clerks.

	
**FATHER UBU** Bring cash to the Nobles and the hook and knife in Nobles Nobles Nobles and the book to! Then, advance the Nobles.
It grows sharply Nobles.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Pray, moderates now, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** I am pleased to announce that enrich the kingdom I'm going to kill all the Nobles and take their property.
NOBLE
Horror! us, the people and soldiers!
	
**FATHER UBU** Take the first Noble and give me the hook Nobles. Those who are sentenced to death, I will pass through the trap, they fall in the underground of the clamp-Pork and House-to-Sub, where they are brainless. In noble. Who are you, bouffre?
THE NOBLE
Count of Witepsk.
	
**FATHER UBU** How are your earnings?
THE NOBLE
Three million rix dollars.
	
**FATHER UBU** Condemned!
He takes it with the hook and goes into the hole.
	
**MOTHER UBU** How low ferocity!
	
**FATHER UBU** Second Noble, who are you? The Noble says nothing. Will you answer, bouffre?
THE NOBLE
Grand Duke of Posen.
	
**FATHER UBU** Excellent! excellent! I ask no longer. In the trap. Third Noble, who are you? you have a dirty mind.
THE NOBLE
Duke of Courland, the cities of Riga, Revel and Mitau.
	
**FATHER UBU** Very good! well! You have nothing else?
THE NOBLE
Nothing.
	
**FATHER UBU** In the trap, then. Fourth Noble, who are you?
THE NOBLE
Prince of Podolia.
	
**FATHER UBU** What are your income?
THE NOBLE
I am ruined.
	
**FATHER UBU** For this bad word, passes into the trap. Fifth Noble, who are you?
LE NOBLE
Margrave of Thorn, Palatine Polock.
	
**FATHER UBU** It is not heavy. You have nothing else?
THE NOBLE
That was enough.
	
**FATHER UBU** Well little better than nothing. In the trap. What have you in Pigna, Ubu?
	
**MOTHER UBU** You're too fierce, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey I enrich myself. I'm going to read MY list of MY property. Clerk, please read MY list of MY property.
CLERK
County Sandomir.
	
**FATHER UBU** Start with the principalities, stupid bastard!
CLERK
Principality of Podolia, Grand Duchy of Posen, the Duchy of Courland, Sandomierz County, County Witepsk, Palatinate of Polock, margraviate Thorn.
	
**FATHER UBU** And then?
CLERK
That's it.
	
**FATHER UBU** How is everything! Oh well then, before the nobles, and as I did not finish to get rich, I will carry out all the nobles, and so I have all the vacant property. Go, go Nobles in the trap.
Nobles are stacked in the hatch.
Hurry up faster, I want to make laws now.
MORE
We'll see.
	
**FATHER UBU** First I will reform the judiciary, after which we will finance.
MORE JUDGES
We oppose any change.
	
**FATHER UBU** Shit. First, the judges will no longer be paid.
JUDGES
And what will we live? We are poor.
	
**FATHER UBU** You have fines that you will take the property and sentenced to death.
A MAGISTRATE
Horror.
SECOND
Shame.
THIRD
Scandal.
FOUR
Indignity.
ALL
We refuse to judge in such circumstances.
	
**FATHER UBU** At the door the magistrates!
They struggle in vain.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Hey what are you doing, Ubu? Who will now justice?
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey! me. You'll see how it will work well.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Yes, it'll be clean.
	
**FATHER UBU** Well, hush, bouffresque. We will now, gentlemen, proceed to finance.
FINANCIAL
There is nothing to change.
	
**FATHER UBU** How, I want to change everything myself. First I want to keep to myself half the taxes.
FINANCIAL
Not bothered.
UBU FATHER
Gentlemen, we will establish a ten percent tax on the property, one on trade and industry, and a third of marriages and a fourth on the death of five francs each.
FIRST FINANCIAL
But it's silly, Ubu.
SECOND FINANCIAL
Nonsense.
THIRD FINANCIAL
It has neither head nor tail.
	
**FATHER UBU** You do not care about me! In the trap, the financiers!
It stuffs the financial.
	
**MOTHER UBU** But, Pere Ubu, which king you do, you slaughter everyone.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh shit!
	
**MOTHER UBU** More justice, more finance.
	
**FATHER UBU** Fear not, my sweet child, I myself from one village to collect taxes.
[ edit ]ACT III, SCENE III
A farmhouse in the outskirts of Warsaw. Several farmers are assembled.

A PEASANT entering.
Learn the great news. The king is dead, as the dukes and the young Buggerlaus fled with his mother in the mountains. Moreover, Ubu has seized the throne.
ANOTHER
I know many others. I am from Krakow, where I saw remove the bodies of more than three hundred noblemen and magistrates that five hundred killed, and it seems they will double the taxes and the Ubu will pick them up himself same.
ALL
Great God! what are we becoming? Pere Ubu is an ugly monkey and his family, they say, abominable.
A PEASANT
But listen: do not we say someone is knocking at the door?
VOICE outside.
Cornification! Open, in my shit, by St. John, St. Peter and St. Nicolas! open, sword in Finance, Finance horn, I just look taxes!
The door is smashed, Ubu enters followed by a legion of Flu-Sub.

[ edit ]ACT III, SCENE IV
	
**FATHER UBU** Who among you is the oldest? A farmer walks. How is your name?
PEASANT
Stanislas Leszczynski.
	
**FATHER UBU** Well, Cornification, listen to me, if these gentlemen will cut off earens. But, will you finally listen?
STANISLAUS
But Your Excellency has said anything yet.
	
**FATHER UBU** How I speak for an hour. Do you think I come here to preach in the desert?
STANISLAUS
Perish the thought.
	
**FATHER UBU** So I just tell you, ordering you and you mean you had to quickly produce and show your finances, otherwise you will be killed. Come, my lords the finance salopins Convey here to vetturino phynancial.
It brings the vetturino.
STANISLAUS
Sir, we are on the register for one hundred and fifty to two rix dollars we already paid, there will sometimes six weeks on St. Mathieu.
	
**FATHER UBU** It is quite possible, but I changed the government and I did put in the paper that would pay all taxes twice and three times those who will be named later. With this system, I quickly made a fortune, then I'll kill everybody and I'll go.
FARMERS
Mr. Turd, grace, have mercy on us. We are poor people.
	
**FATHER UBU** I do not care. Pay.
FARMERS
We can not, we paid.
	
**FATHER UBU** Pay! ji or put you in my pocket and torture beheading of the neck and head! Cornification, I am the king, perhaps!
ALL
Oh, how it is! To arms! Buggerlaus live by the grace of God, King of Poland and Lithuania!
	
**FATHER UBU** Forward, gentlemen of Finance, do your duty.
A struggle ensued, the house is destroyed and the old Stanislas fled alone across the plain. Ubu is to collect the funds.

[ edit ]ACT III, SCENE V
A pillbox fortifications of Thorn.

CAPTAIN EDGE chained 	
**FATHER UBU** 
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah citizen, that's what it is you want me to pay you what I owed you, then you're shocked because I did not want, you have conspired and now you're locked up. Cornefinance, well done and it's played so well that you should find yourself much to your taste.
EDGE
Take care, Ubu. For five days you are king, you have committed more murders than it takes to damn all the saints in paradise. The blood of the king and nobles cried for vengeance and his cries are heard.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey my dear friend, you have the language very well hung. I do not doubt that you might escape if it might result in complications, but I do not think the bunkers of Thorn ever let go of someone honest boys entrusted to them. Therefore, good night, and I invite you to sleep on both earens, although the rats are dancing here a pretty good sarabande.
He leaves. The Minions are lock all doors.

[ edit ]ACT III, Scene VI
The palace in Moscow.

THE EMPEROR AND HIS COURT ALEXIS, EDGE

THE CZAR ALEXIS
It is you, infamous adventurer, who have cooperated in the death of our cousin Wenceslas?
EDGE
Sir, forgive me, I was dragged against my will by Pere Ubu.
ALEXIS
Oh the horrible liar. Finally, what do you want?
EDGE
Pere Ubu me imprisoned under the pretext of conspiracy, I managed to escape and ran five days and five nights on horseback across the steppes to come to implore your gracious mercy.
ALEXIS
What do you bring as a token of your submission?
EDGE
My sword adventurer and a detailed plan of the city of Torun.
ALEXIS
I take the sword, but by St. George, burn this plan, I do not want to owe my victory to treason.
EDGE
A son of Wenceslas, the young Buggerlaus, is still alive, I will do everything to restore.
ALEXIS
What grade were you in the Polish army?
EDGE
I commanded the 5th Regiment of Dragoons of Wilna and a free company serving the Ubu.
ALEXIS
Very well, I appoint you as a lieutenant in the 10th regiment of Cossacks, and woe to you if you betrayed. If you fight well, you will be rewarded.
EDGE
This is not courage that fails me, Sire.
ALEXIS
That is, get out of my presence.
He leaves.

[ edit ]ACT III, SCENE VII
The Boardroom of Ubu.

UBU FATHER, MOTHER UBU ADVISERS Phynances

	
**FATHER UBU** Gentlemen, the meeting is open and try to listen and stay quiet. First, we will do with finances, then we will talk a little system that I thought to bring good weather and conjure rain.
ADVISER
Well, Mr. Turd.
	
**MOTHER UBU** What a stupid man.
	
**FATHER UBU** Madam of my shit, keep you, because I will not suffer your foolishness. I told you, gentlemen, that the finances are pretty. A considerable number of dogs sock spreads each morning in the streets and salopins wonders. On all sides we see that houses burned and people staggering under the weight of our phynancial.
COUNCILLOR
And new taxes, Mr. Turd, are they going?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Not at all. The tax on marriages has yet produced only 11 cents, and still continues Ubu people everywhere to force them to marry.
	
**FATHER UBU** Saber Finance gidouille my horn, Madam financial earens I have to talk and you hear a mouth. Laughter. Or perhaps not! You do me wrong and you cause I'm stupid! But Horn Ubu! A messenger enters. Well, well, what did he still one? Go, monkey, or I'll pocket beheading and twist legs.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah s outside, but there is a letter.
	
**FATHER UBU** Read it. I think I am losing my mind or I do not read. Hurry, bouffresque, it must be Border.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Just so. He said that the Czar was very well received, it will invade your states to restore Buggerlaus and you will be killed.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ho ho I'm scared! I'm scared! Ha! I think die. O poor man I am. What will become great God? This evil man will kill me. Saint Anthony and all the saints protect me, I'll give you the phynance and I burn candles for you. Lord, what will become?
He cries and cries.
	
**MOTHER UBU** There is one thing to do, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Which, my love?
	
**MOTHER UBU** War!
ALL
Why! That is noble!
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes, and I will still blows.
FIRST ADVISOR
Run, run organize the army.
SECOND
And bring food.
THREE
And prepare artillery and fortresses.
FOURTH
And take the money for the troops.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah not, for example! I'll kill you, I do not want to give money.
Here's another! I was paid to the war and now he must do so at my expense. No, by my green candle, make war, because you're mad, but do not pay out a penny.
ALL
Long live the war!
[ edit ]ACT III, SCENE VIII
The camp in Warsaw.

PALOTINS SOLDIERS AND
Long Live Poland! Long Live Ubu!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Ubu, give me my armor and my little piece of wood. I will soon be so loaded that I can not walk if I continued.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Fi, the coward.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah this is the sword that saves and shit the hook to finance that does not! I never finish, and the Russians will go ahead and kill me.
SOLDIER
Lord Ubu, that the chisel earens falling.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ji always kills using the hook to shit and knife set.
	
**MOTHER UBU** As it is beautiful with her helmet and breastplate, it looks like a pumpkin army.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Now, I'm going to ride.
Take, gentlemen, the horse phynancial.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Pere Ubu, your horse can not carry you anymore, he has not eaten for five days and almost died.
	
**FATHER UBU** It is good one! They made me pay 12 cents per day for this hack and I can wear it. You do not care, Ubu's horn, or if you steal from me? The Ubu blushes and looks down. So, what brings you another beast, but I would not walk Cornification!
It takes a huge horse.
	
**FATHER UBU** I'll ride.
Oh sitting rather! because I'm going to fall. The horse starts. Ah! stop my horse, Great God, I'll fall and be dead!
	
**MOTHER UBU** It is really stupid. Ah Here the statement. But he fell to the ground.
	
**FATHER UBU** Horn physical, I'm half dead! But never mind, I go to war and I will kill everyone. Beware that not work right. Ji lon put in my pocket with twisted nose and teeth and extraction language.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Good luck, Mr. Turd.
	
**FATHER UBU** I forgot to tell you that I entrust the regency. But the book I have on my finances, too bad for you if you rob me. I leave you to help the Palotin Giron. Farewell, Ubu.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Farewell, Ubu. Tue although the Czar.
	
**FATHER UBU** For sure. Twisting the nose and teeth, extraction of the language and driving the small piece of wood in earens.
The army moves to the sound of trumpets.
MOTHER UBU alone.
Now that this big puppet is gone, trying to do our business, Buggerlaus kill and seize the treasure.

[ edit ]ACT IV

[ edit ]SCENE
The crypt of the former kings of Poland in Warsaw Cathedral.

	
**MOTHER UBU** Where is this treasure? No slab does not ring hollow. I'm sure I counted thirteen stones after death of Ladislas the Greater going along the wall, and there is nothing. We have to have deceived. Here, however: here the stone rings hollow. At work, Ubu. Courage descellons this stone. It is good. Take this piece of hook to finance which will further his office. Voila! That gold amongst the bones of kings. In our bag, then, everything! Hey What is that noise? In these old vaults would there still alive? No, it's nothing, let us hasten. Take everything. This money will be better to face the day in the midst of the tombs of former princes. Let's put the stone. What! always making. My presence here gives me a strange fear. I'll take the rest of the gold again, I'll be back tomorrow.
VOICE out of the tomb of John Sigismund.
Never, Ubu!

[ edit ]ACT IV, SCENE II
Place Warsaw

BOGGLERAS AND ITS FANS, PEOPLE AND SOLDIERS

BOGGLERAS
Forward, my friends! Vive Wenceslas and Poland! the old rascal Ubu is gone, nothing remains of the witch with his Palotin Ubu. I offer to walk with your head and restore the race of my fathers.
ALL
Buggerlaus live!
BOGGLERAS
And we will remove all taxes imposed by the horrible Ubu.
ALL
Hurrah! Forward! Run to the palace and massacring the breed.
BOGGLERAS
Hey That's Ubu goes out with his guards on the porch!
	
**MOTHER UBU** What do you, gentlemen? Ah Buggerlaus it.
The crowd throws stones.
FIRST WARNING
All the tiles are broken.
SECOND GUARD
St. George, I am stunned.
THIRD GUARD
Cornebleu, I die.
BOGGLERAS
Throw stones, my friends.
Champion Gyron
Hon! So!
He draws and rushes, making a terrible carnage.
BOGGLERAS
Two of us! Defend yourself, loose gun.
They fight.
GIRON
I'm dead!
BOGGLERAS
Victory, my friends! Addition to the Ubu!
We hear trumpets.
BOGGLERAS
Ah Nobles who come here. Run, catch the bad harpy!
ALL
Until we strangle the old bandit!
The Ubu flees pursued by all Poles. Gunshots and hail stones.
[ edit ]ACT IV, SCENE III
The Polish army on the march in Ukraine.

	
**FATHER UBU** Cornebleu, jambedieu, cow's head! we will perish because we are dying of thirst and are tired. Sire Soldier, have the kindness to wear our helmets to finance, and you, Sir Lance, load up the chisel shit and stick-to-physical to relieve our people, because, I repeat, we are tired.
Soldiers obey.
CELL
Hon! Monsieuye! It is surprising that the Russians appear point.
	
**FATHER UBU** It is unfortunate that the state of our finances do not allow us to have a car to our size, for fear of demolishing our mount, we've done all the way on foot, dragging our horse by the bridle. But when we are back in Poland, we will imagine, through our science in physics and helped light of our consultants, a car in the wind to transport the whole army.
COTISE
That Nicolas Rensky rushing.
	
**FATHER UBU** And what did he, that boy?
Rensky
All is lost, Sire, Poles are rebellious, Giron is killed and Ubu is a fugitive in the mountains.
	
**FATHER UBU** Night bird, beast of doom, owl gaiters! Where have you caught that nonsense? Here's another! And who did that? Buggerlaus, I bet. Where are you from?
Rensky
Warsaw, noble Lord.
	
**FATHER UBU** Boy my shit, I'm worry if I'd turn back to the whole army. But, sir boy, he's on your shoulders more feather than brains and you've dreamed of nonsense. Go to the forefront, my boy, the Russians are not far and we shall soon have to cut and thrust of our weapons, both as shit phynancial and physics.
THE GENERAL Lacy
Pere Ubu, do not you see the plain the Russians?
	
**FATHER UBU** True, the Russians! Here I am pretty. If only there was some way to go, but not all, we are on a high and we will face every time.
ARMY
The Russians! The enemy!
	
**FATHER UBU** Come, gentlemen, take our arrangements for the battle. We will stay on the hill and do not ever commit the folly to go downstairs. I will stand in the middle like a citadel alive and you people around my ears. I recommend you put guns in as many balls they can keep that eight bullets can kill eight Russians and that's all that I will not saddle. We will put the infantry on foot down the hill to get the Russians and kill a little behind the riders to throw into confusion, and artillery around the mill here now to fire into the crowd. As for us, we will be in the windmill and will draw the gun phynancial the window, across the door, we'll place the stick-to-physical, and if someone tries to enter, beware of the hook to shit!
OFFICERS
Your orders, Sire Ubu will be executed.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey it goes well we will win. What time is it?
THE GENERAL Lacy
Eleven o'clock in the morning.
	
**FATHER UBU** Then we go to dinner, because the Russians will not attack before noon. Tell the soldiers, Lord General, to make their needs and to sing the song in Finance.
Lacy goes.
SOLDIERS AND PALOTINS
Vive le Pere Ubu, our large Financial! Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, Tating!
	
**FATHER UBU** O good people, I love them. A Russian bullet arrives and breaks the wings of the mill. Ah! I fear, Lord God, I'm dead! yet no, I have nothing.

[ edit ]ACT IV, SCENE IV
THE SAME, THEN A CAPTAIN RUSSIAN ARMY

A CAPTAIN arriving.
Sire Ubu, the Russians attacked.
	
**FATHER UBU** Well, after, what would you have me do? This is not me who told them. However, gentlemen of Finance, prepare us to fight.
THE GENERAL Lacy
A second ball!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I no longer. Here it is raining lead and iron, and we might damage our precious person. Descend.
All down to a run. The battle has just begun. They disappear in clouds of smoke at the foot of the hill.
A RUSSIAN striking.
For God and the Czar!
Rensky
Ah I am dead.
	
**FATHER UBU** Forward! Oh, you, sir, I catch you, because you hurt me, do you hear? lush! with your flingot that does not leave.
RUSSIAN
Ah you see that!
He fired his revolver.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Oh I'm hurt, I'm torn, I punched, I am given, I'm buried. Oh, but anyway! Ah I got him. He rips. Hey! you begin again, now!
THE GENERAL Lacy
Forward, push vigorously, you pass the gap. The victory is ours.
	
**FATHER UBU** You think? So far I feel on my brow over bumps than laurels.
RUSSIAN RIDERS
Hurrah! Place the Czar!
The Czar arrives, accompanied by border in disguise.
A POLISH
Ah Lord Every man for himself, that the Czar!
ANOTHER
Ah God! it passes the gap.
ANOTHER
Pif! Paf! here are four of stunned by this great guy lieutenant.
EDGE
Ah you do not finish, you guys! Hey John Sobieski, here's your account! He knocks. In other now!
It is a massacre of Poles.
	
**FATHER UBU** Forward, my friends. Catch that rascal! Stewed Muscovites! The victory is ours. Long live the Red Eagle!
ALL
Forward! Hurrah! Jambedieu! Catch the big guy.
EDGE
By George, I fell.
FATHER UBU recognizing.
Ah it's you, Borders! Ah my friend. We are happy and the whole company to find you. I'll cook on low heat. Finance Gentlemen, start the fire. Oh Ah Oh I am dead. At least one shot that I received. Ah God, forgive me my sins. Yes, it's a gun.
EDGE
It is a pistol loaded with powder.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah You're kidding me! Encore! In the pocket!
He rushes at him and tears.
THE GENERAL Lacy
Pere Ubu, we go everywhere.
	
**FATHER UBU** I see, I can not anymore, I'm riddled with kicks, I would sit on the floor. Oh my bottle.
THE GENERAL Lacy
Go to that of the Czar, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey I will go immediately. Come Saber shit, do your duty, and you hook to finance, do not stay behind. That stick-to-physical work of a generous emulation and share with the little stick the honor kill, dig and operate the Emperor Moscow. As before, Mr Finance to our horse!
He rushes to the Czar.
RUSSIAN OFFICER
En garde, Majesty!
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey, you! Oh ouch Ah but still. Ah Sir, excuse me, leave me alone. Oh but I did not mean it!
He escapes, the czar pursues.
	
**FATHER UBU** Holy Virgin, that haunts me mad! What have I done, great God! Ah OK, here is the gap ironing. Ah I feel it behind me and the ditch in front! Courage, close our eyes!
He jumped the ditch. The czar will fall.
THE CZAR
Well, I'm in!
POLISH
Hurrah! Czar is down!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I hardly dare look back! It is inside. Ah well done and we hit it. Well, Polish go ahead with a vengeance, it is still good, the wretch! But I dare not look! And though our prediction was completely fulfilled, the stick-to-physical wonders and has no doubt that I had not completely killed if an inexplicable terror fight was coming and we cancel the effects of our courage. But we had to suddenly turn tail and we had our hello to our ability as a rider and the solidity of our horse hocks Finance, whose speed is matched only by the strength of which lightness is famous, and the depth of the gap was very much about under the feet of the enemy we here present Master Phynances. All this is very beautiful, but nobody listens. Come well, here we go again!
The Russian dragoons are a serious issue and the Czar.
THE GENERAL Lacy
This time it was disbanded.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah here is the opportunity to draw feet. Now then, gentlemen Poles, forward! or rather back!
POLISH
Sauve qui peut!
	
**FATHER UBU** Come way. What a lot of people, which leak, how many, how to get out of this mess? He is upset Ah but you! Watch out, or you'll experience the value of boiling Master of Finance. Ah he's gone, let us be strong and while Lacy does not see us.
He goes out, then we spotted the Czar and the Russian army pursuing the Poles.

[ edit ]ACT IV, SCENE V
A cave in Lithuania. It's snowing.

FATHER TURD PILE COTISE

	
**FATHER UBU** Ah dog time, it freezes and stone splitting the person of Master of Finance found it very damaged.
CELL
Hon! Monsieuye Ubu, you recovered from your terror and your flight?
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes I'm no longer afraid, but I still have the leak.
COTISE apart.
What a pig.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey Coccyx Sire, your Oneglia, how is she?
COTISE
Both, Monsieuye, it can go while going very badly. For the wherewithal to make consequential, the lead into the earth and I could retrieve the ball.
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey, well done! You, too, you always wanted to enter the other. I have deployed the largest value, without exposing myself and I massacred four enemies of my own hand, not counting those who were already dead and that we have completed.
COTISE
You know, Pile, what happened to the little Rensky?
CELL
He was shot in the head.
	
**FATHER UBU** As poppies and dandelions in the prime of their age are severed by the fake from the ruthless relentless reaper who ruthlessly mowing their pitiful hoe, - so small Rensky was poppy, it was defeated, however well but there were too many Russians
CELL AND COTISE
Hon! Monsieuye!
AN ECHO
Hhrron!
CELL
What? Let us arm our Lumel.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah no! For example, even the Russians, I bet! I've had enough! and then it's very simple, if they catch me crazy lon ji pocket.

[ edit ]ACT IV, SCENE VI
THE SAME

Between a bear.

COTISE
Hon, Monsieuye Finance!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh hey, just look at the little doggie. It is nice, my faith.
CELL
Beware! Ah How big bear: my cartridges!
	
**FATHER UBU** A bear! Ah the horrible beast. Oh poor man, I am eating. God protect me. And it comes on me. No, it Coccyx it catches. Ah I breathe.
The bear pounces on Coccyx. Stack attack with knives. Ubu takes refuge on a rock.
COTISE
To me, Stack! me! for help, Monsieuye Turd!
	
**FATHER UBU** Nothing doing! Work it out yourself, my friend, for the moment, we do our Pater Noster. Everyone turn to be eaten.
CELL
I, I would like.
COTISE
Farm, friend, begins to let go.
	
**FATHER UBU** Nomen tuum Sanctificetur.
COTISE
Cowardly bastard!
CELL
Ah I bite! O Lord, save us, I'm dead.
	
**FATHER UBU** Fiat voluntas tua!
COTISE
Ah I managed to injure
CELL
Hurrah! it loses its blood.
Amid cries of Palotina, the bear roars of pain and Ubu continues to mumble.
COTISE
Hold it close, I caught my knuckle-fist explosive.
	
**FATHER UBU** Panem nostrum da nobis hodie quotidianum.
CELL
Have you finally, I can not.
	
**FATHER UBU** Sicut and our dimittimus debitoribus nostris.
COTISE
Ah I.
An explosion rang out and the bear fell dead.
CELL AND COTISE
Victory!
	
**FATHER UBU** Sed libera nos a malo. Amen. Finally, he is really dead? Can I get off my rock?
CELL scornfully.
As long as you want.
FATHER UBU down.
You flatter yourself if you're still alive and if you walk more snow in Lithuania, you owe it to the virtue of magnanimity Master of Finance, who tried repeatedly, spine and hoarse to spout his prayers for your salvation, and who has handled with as much courage the spiritual sword of prayer that you handled with skill by the time of this Palotin Coccyx knuckle-fist explosive. We have even gone further our commitment, because we did not hesitate to climb on a rock high above so that our prayers have less distance to get to heaven.
CELL
Disgusting ass.
	
**FATHER UBU** Here is a big beast. With me, you have something for supper. What stomach, gentlemen! The Greeks were more confident in the wooden horse, and little was damned, dear friends, we could not go check for ourselves our domestic capacity.
CELL
I'm starving. What to eat?
COTISE
Bear!
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey poor people, will you eat it raw? We have nothing to fire.
CELL
Have not we flints?
	
**FATHER UBU** That's true. And it seems to me that this is not far from here a little wood where there must be dry branches. Go and get, Sire Coccyx.
Coccyx away through the snow.
CELL
And now, Sire Ubu, will cut up the bear.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh no! It is perhaps not dead. While you, who are already half eaten and bitten on all sides, is quite in your role. I'll light the fire until he brings the wood.
Battery begins to skin the bear.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh beware! he moved.
CELL
But, Sire Ubu, it is already cold.
	
**FATHER UBU** It's a shame, it would have been better eaten hot. This will provide a Master of Finance indigestion.
CELL apart
It is disgusting. Top. Help us a little, Mr. Turd, I can not do all the work.
	
**FATHER UBU** No, I do not want to do anything myself! I'm tired, of course!
COTISE returning.
What snow, my friends, we would say in Castile to the North Pole. The night begins to fall. In an hour it will be dark. We hasten to see yet clear.
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes, you understand, Battery? hurry. Hurry both! Skewer the beast, cook the beast, I'm hungry!
CELL
Ah is too much at the end! It will work or you have nothing, you understand, glutton!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh I do not care, I prefer to eat it raw, it's you who will be caught out. And then I sleep, me!
COTISE
What do you stack? Let's dine alone. He will not. That's all. Or we can give him the bones.
CELL
Good. Oh, that's the fire burning.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh it's good, it's hot now. But I see Russians everywhere. What flight, great God! Ah
He falls asleep.
COTISE
I wonder if that is true Rensky said, if the Ubu is truly dethroned. It has nothing impossible.
CELL
Forget to dinner.
COTISE
No, we have to talk about something more important. I think it would be good to inquire into the veracity of the news.
CELL
It is true, should abandon the Ubu or stay with him?
COTISE
The night brings counsel. Sleep, we'll see tomorrow what to do.
CELL
No, it is better to enjoy the night to get away.
COTISE
Let us, then.
They leave.

[ edit ]ACT IV, SCENE VII
UBU talk in my sleep.
Ah Russian Dragon Sire, beware, do not shoot here, there are people. Ah Borders here, it is bad, it looks like a bear. And Buggerlaus coming over me! Bears, bears! Ah there he is down! it is hard, great God! I do not want to do anything myself! Go, Buggerlaus! Do you hear, knave? That Rensky now, and the Czar! Oh they will beat me. And Rbue! Where did you get all that gold? You took my gold, miserable, you have been rummaging in my tomb is in Warsaw Cathedral, near the moon. " I'm long dead, I Buggerlaus it killed me and I'm buried in Warsaw Vladislav near the Great, and also near Krakow John Sigismund, and also in the bunker with Thorn Edge! There he is again. But go, damned bear. You look like Border. Do you hear, beast of Satan? No, he does not, cut him Salopins earens. Brainless, tudez, earens cut, tear finance and drink until death, that's life of Salopins is the happiness of the Master of Finance.
He is silent and sleeping.
[ edit ]ACT V.

[ edit ]SCENE
It is night. The FATHER UBU asleep. Between MOTHER UBU without seeing it. The darkness is complete.

	
**MOTHER UBU** Finally, I am safe. I am alone here, this is not bad, but what rat race: crossing the whole of Poland in four days! all misfortunes beset me at once. As soon as this big ass party, I go to the crypt rich. Soon after I escaped being stoned by Buggerlaus and these madmen. I lose my rider Champion Gyron who was so enamored by my beauty that swooned with delight when she saw me, and even, I was assured by not seeing me, what is the height of tenderness . It would cut in half for me, poor boy. The proof is that he was cut in four by Buggerlaus. Pif paf bang! Ah I think die. So then, I take flight, pursued by the mob fury. I left the palace, I come to the Vistula, the bridges were guarded. I crossed the river to swim, hoping to leave my persecutors. From all sides come together and nobility haunts me. Missing me die a thousand times, drowned in a circle of Poles eager to lose me. Finally I mistook their fury, and after four days of racing in the snow that was my kingdom I manage to take refuge here. I have eaten or drunk these four days. Buggerlaus hugged me closely ... Finally, I am saved. Ah I'm dead tired and cold. But I wonder what happened to my big clown, I mean my very respectable husband. Him have I taken, finance. Him have I robbed of krones. Him have I fired, carrots. And to finance his horse dying of hunger: he did not often oats, the poor devil. Ah good story. But alas! I lost my treasure! It is in Warsaw, which will pick pleases.
FATHER UBU beginning to wake up.
Get Ubu, cut earens!
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah God Where am I? I lose my head. Ah No, Lord! Thank God I caught Mr. Pere Ubu who sleeps with me. Let's nice. Well, my big man, did you sleep well?
	
**FATHER UBU** Badly! It was very hard this bear! Battle of voracious against a very strong, but the greedy completely eaten and devoured the tough, as you will see when it's light, hear you, noble Palotina!
	
**MOTHER UBU** What he stammers? It is even more stupid than when he left. Who has he?
	
**FATHER UBU** Coccyx, Battery, answer me, shit bag! Where are you? Ah I'm afraid. But after we talked. Who spoke? This is not the bear, I suppose. Shit! Where are my matches? Ah I've lost the battle.
MOTHER UBU apart.
Take advantage of the situation and night, simulate a supernatural appearance and make her promise to forgive our thefts.
	
**FATHER UBU** But, by St. Anthony! speaking. Jambedieu! I'll be hanged!
MOTHER UBU raising her voice.
Yes, Mr. Turd, speaks, indeed, and the trumpet of the archangel who must make the dead ash and dust the final do not speak otherwise! Listen to his voice stern. Is that of St. Gabriel can only give good advice.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh that, indeed!
	
**MOTHER UBU** Do not interrupt me or I am silent and that will be done your giborgne!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah my gidouille! I am silent, I do not say another word. Go on, madame Apparition!
	
**MOTHER UBU** We said, Mr. Turd, you're a big man!
	
**FATHER UBU** Very big, in fact, this is just.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Hush you, by God!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh Angels do not swear!
MOTHER UBU apart.
Shit! Continuing. Are you married, Mr. Turd.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ideally, the last of the chips!
	
**MOTHER UBU** You mean it's a charming woman.
	
**FATHER UBU** A horror. She has claws everywhere, no one knows where to take it.
	
**MOTHER UBU** It must be taken by the sweetness, Sire Ubu, and if you take it and you will see that it is at least the equal of the Venus of Capua.
	
**FATHER UBU** Who do you say that lice?
	
**MOTHER UBU** You do not listen, Mr. Turd, lend us a little more carefully. Apart. But let us, the day will rise. Mr. Turd, your wife is adorable and delicious, it was not a single fault.
	
**FATHER UBU** You are mistaken, there is not a defect it possesses.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Silence! Your wife does not make you of infidelity!
	
**FATHER UBU** I'd like to see who could be in love with her. Is a harpy!
	
**MOTHER UBU** She does not drink!
	
**FATHER UBU** Since I took the key of the cellar. Prior to seven o'clock in the morning it was round and it is perfumed with eau-de-vie. Now it is perfumed with heliotrope she does not feel worse. I do not care. But now there is more than me to be round!
	
**MOTHER UBU** Sot character! - Your wife do not take your gold.
	
**FATHER UBU** No, it's funny!
	
**MOTHER UBU** It does not divert a penny!
	
**FATHER UBU** Mr. Witness our noble and unfortunate Phynances horse, which, not being fed for three months, had to make the entire campaign dragged by the strap through Ukraine. So did he die at the task, the poor beast!
	
**MOTHER UBU** All these are lies, your wife is a model and you know what monster you are!
	
**FATHER UBU** All these are truths. My wife is a slut and you know what you dummy!
	
**MOTHER UBU** Take care, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah it's true, I forgot who I was talking. No, I did not say that!
	
**MOTHER UBU** You killed Wenceslas.
	
**FATHER UBU** This is not my fault, of course. The Mother Turd wanted.
	
**MOTHER UBU** You killed Boleslaw and Ladislas.
	
**FATHER UBU** Too bad for them! They wanted me to type!
	
**MOTHER UBU** You have not kept your promise to Borders and later you killed.
	
**FATHER UBU** I'd rather be me than he who reigns in Lithuania. For now it is neither one nor the other. So you see, it is not me.
	
**MOTHER UBU** You have a way to make you forgive all your sins.
	
**FATHER UBU** Which? I am willing to become a holy man, I want to be bishop and see my name on the calendar.
	
**MOTHER UBU** You must forgive the Ubu of stealing some money.
	
**FATHER UBU** Well, voila! I forgive him when she will have me made whole, it has been well thrashed and it has revived my horse finance.
	
**MOTHER UBU** He is crazy about his horse! Ah I am lost, the sun rises.
	
**FATHER UBU** But anyway, I'm certainly glad to know now that my dear wife I flew. I now know from reliable sources. Omnis a Deo scientia, which mean: omnis, all; a Deo, science, scientia, from God. That explains the phenomenon. But Madame Apparition said nothing. What can I offer her something to cheer. What she said was very amusing. Oh, but it's day! Ah Lord, from my horse to finance, it's Ubu!
MOTHER UBU brazenly.
It is not true, I will excommunicate.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah carrion!
	
**MOTHER UBU** What impiety.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah is too much. I see it's you, stupid bitch! Why the hell are you here?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Giron died and the Poles drove me away.
	
**FATHER UBU** And me, it was the Russians who have hunted: the great minds meet.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Say that met wit an ass!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Well, he will meet a waterfowl now.
He throws the bear.
MOTHER UBU falling crushed under the weight of the bear.
Ah Great God! How awful! Ah I'm dying! I'm suffocating! I died! He eat me! I digest!
	
**FATHER UBU** He's dead! grotesque. Oh but, in fact, maybe not! Ah Lord not, he is not dead, save us. Dating back on his rock. ... Our Father who art
MOTHER UBU discarding.
Hey! where is he?
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Lord here it is again! Foolish creature, so there is no way to get rid of it. Is he dead, the bear?
	
**MOTHER UBU** Yes, stupid ass, it is already cold. How did he come here?
FATHER UBU confused.
I do not know. Ah yes, I know! He wanted to eat and battery Coccyx and I killed him with a blow of Pater Noster.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Pile, Coccyx, Pater Noster. What's that? It is crazy, my finances!
	
**FATHER UBU** That is very true what I say! And you're an idiot, my giborgne!
	
**MOTHER UBU** Tell me about your campaign, Ubu.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh lady, no! It's too long. All I know is that despite my undeniable valor everybody beat me.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Why, even the Polish?
	
**FATHER UBU** They shouted "Long live Wenceslas Buggerlaus. I thought they wanted m'écarteler. Oh enrages! And then they killed Rensky!
	
**MOTHER UBU** It is much the same! You know Buggerlaus killed Champion Gyron!
	
**FATHER UBU** It is much the same! And then they killed the poor Lacy!
	
**MOTHER UBU** It is much the same!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh but still, come here, carrion! Get on your knees before your master, he grabs her and throws her knees, you'll suffer the punishment.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ho, ho, Mr. Turd!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh oh oh after you finished? I begin: twisted nose, pull hair, penetration of the small stick in earens, extracting the brain through the heels, tearing the posterior, partial or total removal of the spinal cord (if only it was him remove the thorns of the character), not to mention the opening of the bladder and finally renewed the great beheading John the Baptist, all drawn from the Scriptures, both Old and New Testaments, put in order, corrected and perfected by the Master of Finance here this! How about going there, dummy?
He tears.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Thanks, Mr. Turd!
Big noise at the entrance to the cave.
[ edit ]ACT V, SCENE II
THE SAME, BOGGLERAS

rushing into the cave with his soldiers.

BOGGLERAS
Forward, my friends! Long Live Poland!
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh oh wait a minute, Mr. Polognard. Wait till I have finished my lady half!
BOGGLERAS striking.
Here, cowardly rascal, scoundrel, miscreant, Muslim!
FATHER UBU retaliating.
Hey! Polognard, drunk, bastard, hussar, Tatar calard, cockroach, rat, Savoy Communard!
MOTHER fighting as the UBU
Hey, coward, pig, liar, buffoon, rascal, slut, duffel!
Soldiers rushed to the Ubus who defend their best.
	
**FATHER UBU** God what recesses!
	
**MOTHER UBU** It has feet, gentlemen Poles.
	
**FATHER UBU** By my green candle, that he will finish at the end of the end? Another! Ah If I had my horse here phynancial!
BOGGLERAS
Type, type ever!
OUTSIDE VOICE
Vive le Pere Ubu, our great financial!
UBU FATHER
Ah here they are. Hurrah! That the Fathers Ubus. As before, arrive, we need you, gentlemen of Finance!
Enter the Palotin, which flow into the fray.
COTISE
At the door, the Poles!
CELL
Hon! we meet again, Monsieuye Finance. As before, push vigorously win the door, once outside he will just run away.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh That's my strongest. O as he types.
BOGGLERAS
God I'm hurt.
Stanislas Leszczynski
It's nothing, sire.
BOGGLERAS
No, I'm just stunned.
JEAN SOBIESKI
Tap, tap always, they win the door, the beggar.
COTISE
One approach, follow the world. For the wherewithal to make consequential, I see the sky.
CELL
Courage, Sir Turd!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I'm in my underpants. Forward Cornification! Tudez, bleeding, skin, slather, horn Turd! Ah it decreases!
COTISE
There are more than two to keep the door.
FATHER UBU stunning them with blows of bears.
And one and two! Phew! I am out! Save us! follow the other, and quickly!
[ edit ]ACT V, SCENE III
The scene is the province of Livonia covered with snow. The Ubus and subsequently fled.

	
**FATHER UBU** Ah I think they have renounced catch us.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Yes, Buggerlaus went to be crowned.
UBU FATHER
I do not envy him his crown.
	
**MOTHER UBU** You're right, Ubu.
They disappear into the distance.
[ edit ]ACT V, SCENE IV
The deck of a ship running as close to the Baltic. On the bridge
FATHER UBU and all his band.

COMMANDER
Ah what a nice breeze.
	
**FATHER UBU** It is a fact that we were sailing with a speed that is prodigious. We must make at least one million knots per hour, and these nodes have one good once made they do not dispose. It is true that we have a tailwind.
CELL
What a sad idiot.
A laughing stock arrives, the vessel layer and whitens the sea
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh Ah God we're capsized. But it goes all wrong, it goes down, your boat.
COMMANDER
Everyone in the wind, tuck the mizzen!
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah but not, for example! Do not put all the same side! It is imprudent. And suppose the wind comes to switch sides, everybody would go to the bottom of the water and the fish we eat.
THE COMMANDING
Do not arrive, and many will be next!
	
**FATHER UBU** Yes! Yes! Arrive. I pressed myself! Come, you hear! It's your fault, gross captain, if we fail. We should be there. Oh oh, I'll order me, then! Pare about! In God willing. Wet, turn to wind, turn downwind. Hoist the sails, tighten the sails above the bar, the bar below the bar next door. You see, I'm fine. Come across the blade and then it will be perfect.
All twist, the breeze freshened.
COMMANDER
Move the jib, take a risk to topsails.
	
**FATHER UBU** This is not bad, it's even good! Do you hear, Mr. Crew? Bring the big cock and take a look in plum.
Many dying of laughter. A blade loads.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh what a deluge! This is an effect of maneuvers that we ordered.
UBU MOTHER AND CELL
Navigation delicious thing!
Second blade loads.
CELL flooded.
Beware of Satan and his pumps.
	
**FATHER UBU** Sir boy, bring us a drink.
All settled in to drink.
	
**MOTHER UBU** Ah what a delight to see soon the sweet France, our old friends and our castle Mondragon!
	
**FATHER UBU** Hey We'll be there soon. We arrived at the moment under the castle of Elsinore.
CELL
I feel exhilarated at the thought of seeing my beloved Spain.
COTISE
Yes, our countrymen and dazzle us stories of our wonderful adventures.
	
**FATHER UBU** Oh this course! And I will appoint my Master of Finance in Paris.
	
**MOTHER UBU** That's it! Ah What shock!
COTISE
It's nothing, just double the point of Elsinore.
CELL
And now our noble ship rushes at high speed on the dark waves of the North Sea.
	
**FATHER UBU** Wed wild and inhospitable, which runs the country called Germany, so called because the inhabitants of this country are all cousins.
	
**MOTHER UBU** That is what I call scholarship. They say this country very beautiful.
	
**FATHER UBU** Ah Gentlemen! so beautiful that it is not worth Poland. If there was no Poland there would be no Polish!